Feddie Girl











Feddie Girl

Feddie Girl

Got bread???

Street hawking in Lagos. What a unique experience! Where else on this earth can one afford prompt service coupled with freedom of choice and the chance to compare, contrast, and haggle prices of goods and services with vendors, and totally feel like a celebrity?

Not in a million cities. Only in Lagos, Nigeria.

Yeah, that’s right. I totally said it. What you gonna do? Drag my white tush to Kiri-Kiri prison?

Anyone who’s ever been to Lagos, even for one day, totally knows the chant of the street-hawkers:

Bread-dy Agege o!

Ewa Agoyin, o wa o!

Buy pure-water!

Ewedu re!

Coke! Fanta!! Sprite!!!

Guguru ati ekpa!

Hot Moin-moin!

Akara, Kpoff-kpoff, Chin-chin!!!

Guinea-fowl eggs!

Dodo! Boole!

It goes on and on and never ends, one street hawker–flat metal tray balanced on his/her head–after another, selling edible goodies from dawn till dusk.

Who can resist their call? No one! That’s why their service is so world-famous.

Indigens say Lagos is for the active and highly energetic individuals. Yeah, right!

Ironically, the lazy and sedentary thrive well in Lagos too. Basically, the street-hawkers live for these people. All one needs to do is drag oneself outta bed and go camp in front of the gate to ones home. All the stuff you need for the day will pass by you in the space of thirty-five minutes. From bath soap to toothbrush and toothpaste. From hot tea and freshly baked bread to heavy meals, snacks, and soft drinks. Hell, you can even make a phone call with a rented cell phone! What more can one ask for?

And to totally cap it all, stuffs are hawked in convenient quantities. You need just two slices of bread for a sandwich? No problem! the street-hawkers will totally sell just two slices. Lol! You only need a squeeze of toothpaste? Not an issue! You only wanna purchase just three tablespoons of hot cocoa and a dash of milk for your morning drink? Sure, they’re totally up for it! You need a handful of detergent for your laundry? Okey-dokie, one handful of ‘super-blue omo’ is measured and priced accordingly. Lol!!!

One favorite theory of mine is that many Europeans are in the wrong country–especially the heavy and lazy ones. Oh yeah? What other city encourages the sedentary lifestyle in humans more than Lagos? Imagine a city where sloth and bumming around is totally acceptable. Vendors bring everything you ever wish for to your doorstep, enabling you to just sit right there on your backside while you lose weight and acquire a long-lasting tan without much trouble. Lol!!!

Oh and it doesn’t end with just hanging outside your gate. While riding in vehicles you can totally buy stuff off the streets too. Who says you gotta stop and exit your vehicle? Nope. No need to bother your precious self. The street-hawkers totally get it. They already anticipate your needs and will rush their wares to your car window. Don’t worry, they are adept at chasing after your car even in the heaviest of traffic. Some of them can totally keep pace with a vehicle moving at 30 kilometers per hour. Amazing, huh?

Lol!!!

While in a car, please, the last thing you wanna do is push your head outta your window and yell, “Bread!” Lol!!! The next thing you’re gonna know, many different kinds of bread are so gonna be shoved in your face. Large loaves, small loaves, dark-chocolate, white, wheat, mixed, milky, sliced, heavy–name it, you got it!

So basically, you now get the idea, right? Hey? You still with me?

I steal a look at your face and realize you’re totally fast asleep.

I’ve been totally rambling to myself for the last hour. Fat luck!

I’ll be back with more!

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

For information about the upcoming novel, FEDDIE GIRL by Nona David, visit Bernard Books Publishing http://bernardbooks.com



Feddie Girl

Feddie Girl

So why did I get on a plane heading to Lagos, Nigeria?

To be honest, I asked myself the same question everyday for the past year. I don’t know why I let my parents talk me into it,  despite the forebodings at the back of mind. Guess I just wanted to be cool and show them no amount of punishment would totally faze me.

Oh boy, was I wrong!

First off, my mom came along for the ride but my dad refused to comply, even though the punishment was his idea in the first place.

You look at me in an odd way, as if to say, you dumb babe! “That probably raised a red flag, huh?”

It did, believe me, but I was too busy bitching about my cell phone privileges being taken away, to notice. Talk about the classic ‘penny wise, pound foolish’ syndrome.

There I was, sulking about my Blackberry, not even noticing my parents had something more sinister in mind. When I finally caught up to what was on board, it was too late!

“Jeez!” you yell, “what are you? Like the dumbest kid on the block?” You shake your head in disgust.

I cringe from you and and your snarky attitude and hide my irritation behind my words. I know you’re right, but say what you may, had you been in my shoes, even you wouldn’t have seen it coming.

You roll your eyes to high heavens and smirk, “Yeah, right!”

Seriously!!! Lagos, Nigeria isn’t exactly San Francisco, California.

So like, we stepped out of the Muritala Mohammed airport building and it suddenly hit me:

Mosquitoes are truly the most evil and vicious insects you’ll ever come across.

“No kidding!” you exclaim, running my pink hairbrush through your hair. “You think I oughta shave?” You peer at your reflection in the mirror, caressing your smooth jaw with long tapered fingers. You have no stubble–you’re only fourteen.

Well, yeah. I’m referring to the mosquitoes, not your non-existent facial hair. Like most pre-pubescent males, you’re already obsessed with growing a moustache.

Anyways, back to my story. In Lagos, the mosquitoes are as large as moths, noisy and unrelenting. They must have a unique way of discerning fresh blood, cos they descended on me and my mom in droves as soon as we stepped out in the open, forming a distorted halo over our heads and singing in our ears.

Their bites are sharp and stinging, the pain akin to none other than that of bees. They never let-up, no matter how hard you slap at them. Hiding under layers of clothing don’t help either cos they’ve figured out a way to feed on you through your pants.

The frustrating part is, you put up your hand to wave them away, they go ahead and bite your knuckles and the skin underneath your nails, the two places that are the most difficult to appease by scratching–assuming you can find the exact spot to scratch.

“I can imagine,” you say, not really getting it.

But I won’t blame ya cos, unless you’ve been to Lagos and have been attacked by a million of those bad boys at once, you’ll probably never get it. End of story!

Mosquitoes are just one of the many evils of Lagos. The traffic congestion, air and garbage pollution, lack of traffic laws, harassment by road-side vendors, and general lack of law and order will blow you away.

“How come?” you ask, finally letting go of your boyish chin. You pick up a scraggly sneaker and stuff your sock-less foot into it.

What I’m saying is, you don’t wanna make the mistake of taking Lagos, Nigeria for granted. It’s a city like no other. Lagosians fondly refer to it as Eko. As far as they are concerned, no other city in the world can totally offer what Lagos does.

And,  after spending a whole year in Nigeria, I began to see it too.

The exciting night life, the sleepless natives, the exotic and mouth-watering foods, the language, the accent, the thankfulness of the people when blessings come their way, the frustrations of business owners when power goes out, the rowdy markets sporting anything you desire under the sun, the intimidating area boys, the church functions, the parties and ceremonies, the music, the pulse of the streets. It’s a whole lot to take in at first glance. But before long, the city gets to you and you get infected with the feverish enthusiasm.

You pause in the process of knotting the laces of your second sneaker. “You don’t say?” You stare at me with eyes wide as saucers.

On the contrary, I really do say. Just three weeks in the city and I totally found myself screaming with the rest of them:

Lagos for life!

Eko o ni baje!

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

(Definitely more to come, so stay connected.)

For excerpts and information about the upcoming novel FEDDIE GIRL, visit http://bernardbooks.com



Whaddup friends,

Great news!!! I’ve been allowed to post an excerpt from the novel, FEDDIE GIRL, so you can get a glimpse of my adventure in the actual story. Super!!! Don’t forget to drop me a line and tell me what you think! Lol!!!
Catch ya later!

Lotta Luv,
Carlotta

Excerpt from FEDDIE GIRL: The Hialrious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School.

By Nona David

FG small front cover2Five minutes later, Carlotta walked into the Sapphire House lobby and the room suddenly became silent. Twenty pairs of eyes turned to stare at her. She bit her lip and looked around at the eager faces deposited everywhere in the room. The faces belonged to students milling around comfortable armchairs arranged to face a wide screen television that was mounted on the wall.

Sandra waved. She stood at a corner with Uche and two other students.

Carlotta waved back and walked to them.

Sandra was thin and shriveled-looking with a large squat nose that dominated most of her facial features. She was dark-skinned and had the kind of face that appeared rough and full of pores—almost like, if you scrubbed hard with a damp cloth, you’d be successful in unearthing a new layer of smoother skin.

Uche, on the other hand, was chubby and jolly, and equipped with a kind face and subtle eyes.

“Hi, girls,” Carlotta said. She looked at the other two girls and couldn’t place them. “I’m Carlotta.”

“This is Yvonne,” Sandra introduced a mousy looking girl, “and this is Emeh,” she finished, indicating the thin girl beside Uche. “They are both in Sapphire-Five.”

“Bonjour,” Emeh said, smiling. “How are you this morning?”

Carlotta nodded. She wasn’t sure the meaning of the first word that Emeh had spoken. “I’m good, thanks.” She smiled back.

“You must be the Feddie Girl the girls in my dorm were talking about last night,” Yvonne squeaked, “they said your parents live in America.” In addition to her appearance, Yvonne possessed a mousy voice.

“Tell me something I don’t already know.” Carlotta shrugged and rolled her eyes.

“Is it true your mother is white? I mean she’s really white, n’est elle pas?” Emeh asked, her wide eyes staring at Carlotta as if she were something from out of space. “Pardon my French,” she quickly added when she noticed Carlotta’s irritated look. “I can’t help myself.”

Emeh had two large front teeth, Carlotta noticed, that kept poking out of her mouth as she spoke. Her looks reminded Carlotta of the stuffed Easter Bunny she had seen in a toy store somewhere.

“Well, although my mom’s totally a white-American, being born in California and all, I really can’t tell you her skin’s white in color, if that’s what you wanna know.” Carlotta’s mouth showed the hint of a smile. “She’s more of a light-tan, you know,” she said and winked.

The girls laughed.

Carlotta ran her hands through her hair, tossed back her curls and asked, “So, what actually is the deal here? Why are we waiting?”

“We’re waiting for Senior Chidi,” Uche informed her. “She is supposed to assign us our morning duties.”

Carlotta noticed that Uche had something in her hand that looked suspiciously like the brooms she had seen her cousin and aunt use to sweep floors clean back in their home in Lagos State. It looked like a witch’s broomstick that was missing the long handle. It was basically a bunch of thin flexible sticks tied up together at one end. “Why do you need that?” she asked, indicating the broom. She realized that almost every girl in the lobby had one like it, too.

“I don’t know,” Uche’s voice was doubtful. “My Bunkie thought I might be assigned a place to sweep for my morning duty.”

“You must be kidding me. You don’t mean to tell me we are actually expected to work? I mean, really work? Like janitors?” Carlotta asked in an unbelieving tone. “How much are we gonna be paid?”

“Ah non,” Emeh remarked, “you don’t get paid for doing your morning duty.”

“Oh, puhleease, give me a break,” Carlotta scoffed, rolling her eyes.  The girl and her French were beginning to get on her nerves. “Why should we be made to work if we aren’t gonna get paid? I totally don’t get it.” She tossed back her hair. “I mean, even if we’re gonna be paid, I still don’t want any part of a janitor’s job.”

“Morning duty,” Sandra corrected.

“Whatever. I still don’t want any part of it,” Carlotta intoned.

“Ah, you don’t understand,” Yvonne wailed, “you have no choice. It’s just like the chores you do at home, you don’t expect payment for them, do you?”

“Really? No choice, huh?” Carlotta gave Yvonne a daring look. “We’ll see about that.” She sniffed. “And as for chores, don’t tell me you guys work at home, too?”

The four girls just stared at her. They tried to make her understand that morning duty meant mandatory work that has to be done every morning. And without reward. They asserted that the school head girl said so herself when she addressed the new students the night before.

Carlotta, who wasn’t used to boarding school systems in Nigeria, and hadn’t paid much attention during the speech, had obviously missed that part. She wondered what other unpleasant surprises lay in store for her.

Just then, the Sapphire House prefect, Chidi Anayo, flanked by two dormitory prefects, walked into the room and stood before the students.

Even in the harsh light of the morning, Carlotta noticed that the house prefect still looked as imposing as ever. She also saw that Chidi had the same pompous air like she had the day before, when she’d ridiculed Carlotta about her age—basically telling Carlotta off for being too old at thirteen to be in JS1, which was a class meant for new students not much older than eleven.

Watching her strut to the front of the room like a majestic peacock, Carlotta instantly felt an intense dislike for the house prefect. She stood still and watched as one of the flanking prefects called names off a list, while Chidi assigned each girl to a duty as her name was called.

Soon, Carlotta heard her name. She walked up to the prefects. “Hi, it’s a great morning today, isn’t it?” she volunteered, with a bright smile. She looked at Chidi but the house prefect appeared not to have noticed or even heard her.

“Sapphire-One windows.” Chidi’s tone was clipped. She dismissed Carlotta with an abrupt wave of her hand.

Carlotta’s face burned. “Stupid bitch,” she muttered under her breath, and made to leave. If there were two things she despised, they would be—being ridiculed, and being ignored.

“Come back here,” a voice commanded.

Carlotta stopped in her tracks. She turned.

Chidi was glaring.

The chattering in the room stopped. The air became electrified. The rest of the new students held their breath and turned to watch.

Carlotta hesitated.

Chidi’s lips tightened against her teeth. “I said you should come back here,” she repeated, this time spitting the words out, one by one, like fiery bullets out of a pistol. There was no mistaking the meaning behind the words.

Carlotta took a deep breath and returned to face the prefects. Her heartbeat accelerated to a new level. She tried hard to swallow her hatred and retain her composure.

“What did you say?” Chidi’s voice was low but very distinct. Her lips barely moved.

Carlotta rolled her eyes and shrugged.

“Don’t you dare roll your eyes at us,” one of the flanking prefects yelled.

Carlotta eyed her with distaste.

Quick as lightening, the prefect’s hand struck out.

Carlotta ducked. The sailing hand missed her head by a mere inch. Her heart beat even faster. Warm blood flooded her neck and face. She wanted to scream and strike back, but instincts told her it was best to remain silent and bide her time.

“What did you say?” Chidi demanded in an ominous voice. Her eyes were hot black coals.

“I didn’t say anything,” Carlotta supplied in a voice that was thick with suppressed rage. Her breath came in short spurts.

“Are you sure?” one of the flanking prefects sneered. “I most definitely heard you say something.”

Carlotta ignored the hammering in her chest and continued to stare into the unblinking coals that were Chidi’s eyes. She was a coiled dangerous snake, ready to strike at the slightest provocation. She imagined the satisfying crunch the bone of Chidi’s jaw would make when her fist finally connected with it and a sense of satisfaction trickled down her spine. The prefect was her archenemy.

The black eyes narrowed. “Don’t you ever, never ever again,“ Chidi hissed. “Now, get lost.”

Carlotta uncoiled, then turned her back to the prefects and strode to the door. When she emerged on the other side, she realized her hands were shaking.

Coming in February, 2010

Advance copies available till September 28th 2009
Reserve an advance copy now!

Bernard Books Publishing http://bernardbooks.com



bb-fg2 So, I am the only child in my family–can’t say whether this is good or bad, but that’s just the way it is.

My dad’s name is Richard, and like I said before, he is a physician. He’s really tall (like, above six feet), dark and handsome. When people meet him these days, they keep saying he looks like Barack Obama!!! Lol!!! I guess they’re kinda right, after all, my dad, like our dear Mr. President, is a half-breed too. His dad (my grandfather) is from somewhere in Anambra State, Nigeria (I think it’s Neewi, Newwi, or somethin’ like that. Can’t remember the spelling!! Lol!!). My dad’s mom is from Gainesville, Georgia. Great match for the two of them, I must say, even though I never met them!!! How often do you get to have a Nigerian for a granddad and a totally white mom for a grandma? Totally cool, right?

My mom is an English Professor (Ph.D.) and her parents are both from Georgia. Now, them, I got to meet, but can’t remember. I was like two or three when they both passed on. What a bummer!!! My mom is quite tall for a woman and very prim and proper. Her name is Shelley, but she should have been called Margaret or somethin’ like that, cos she always gets on my case. Arrggh!!!

Okay, for the gist you’ve all been waiting for…

Sometimes, I wonder how or why my parents stuck together with each other for so long. Maybe it’s because of me…but I still wonder.

You see, my mom is a recovering alcoholic. Yeah, that means no booze in the house. Did you just say, “Hey, that sucks??!!” Well can’t blame ya! That’s the way things are at home. No booze, no beer, no nothin’ (Another reason I can’t host parties at home. Lol!!!). So, she had managed to stay clean for a long time never saw her take a drink until I was like, twelve? Thirteen? Oh yes! That would be a few months before my thirteenth birthday.

She tries to hide it, most of the time, but sometimes I can smell the alcohol on her breath. Mostly, my dad would pretend like he doesn’t notice, until she starts slurring her words or hurling stuff across the room (it’s sooo annoying when she does that. No, scary is more like it!!). This doesn’t happen often, though, only when she’s like anxious or totally bummed out about my dad’s promiscuity.

Hah! “Promiscuity?” you scream. Well, that’s what I said, isn’t it?

My dad just diggs young ladies with pretty faces. It’s not like it’s a secret or any thing, he just has this cool way of studying sashaying blondes/brunnettes from under his lashes when he thinks my mom is not looking. But he’s only fooling himself cos I think my mom knows what he’s up to most of the time. She just keeps a stiff face and totally ignores him. Or pretend not to notice.

Gee!! Aren’t they like, good for each other? Yep!! Totally!! A married couple that live together and have totally disgusting vices — one is an alcoholic while the other is a philanderer (right word? Just thought I’d put my mom’s constant hype about learning new words to good use.) But you totally get the idea, right?

Well, don’t get me wrong. My parents may be bummers sometimes, but I totally love ‘em!!! At least, I do right now. Lol!!!

So now you’ve met Dr and Dr Ikedi, my next story will be about why they decided it was worth it to ship their only daughter off to an all-girls boarding school in Africa!!!

Watch out, I’ll be back with more!!!

Lotta luv,

Carlotta



{April 5, 2009}   Stuff about me…

bb-fg2 Umm…yeah, I’m sure it’s no secret anymore that I was born in San Francisco, in August of 1995. That should make me like what…? Yep, 13 years old as of 2008 when I featured in the novel, FEDDIE GIRL.

Being from California and all, you all would think that I’m all flashy, bitchy, snooty and bratty, right? Well, you’re right… Okay, no, I used to be like a total bitch before I went to school in Nigeria. I had like a ‘don’t mess with me’ attitude which got totally worse when my parents bundled us all to Oklahoma. But that was then — I’m totally mellowed-out and cool now, something I learned from my boarding school experiences (more on that later!).

Anyways, back to me. Just so you know what I look like beyond what is visible from my profile pix, I am like 5’4″ tall and weigh about 105 pounds! Okay, I lied, it’s actually more like 105.57 pounds but who cares about what comes after the dot? Lol! So, I totally have like, blue eyes and long wavy brown hair (got me in a lotta trouble too! You’ll see! Lol!)

My mom is from Los Angeles, while my dad is from both Goergia, USA and Anambra State, Nigeria. You ask, “Where on earth is that?”  Lol! I asked the same question myself last year. But I’ll let you find out by yourself. One hint though — West Africa!!!

Okay, so my dad’s a half-breed! Cool, huh? Well that makes me a three-quarter breed, even though you can’t tell by just looking at me. People tell me I look totally like my mom, which is good — I guess! Actually, it’s rockin’!!!

So why did I get parceled-off to boarding school in Africa? Well to tell you that, I gotta start at the very beginning. You see, you’ve got to understand a few things about my parents to be able to grasp why they would do a thing like that. Not that I’m blaming them for what they did — I’m just sayin’.

So in answer to your question of, ‘Why Nigeria for goddsakes?” I will begin my next post by telling you all about my parents… Lol! It’s such juicy gossip too!

Oh, and did I tell you my Dad is tall and handsome and a medical doctor? No? I didn’t? Sorry! My bad.

And yes, my mom is an English Professor at a local University in Oklahoma and she’s the type that likes to dot her i’s and cross her t’s. You know, the type of mom that corrects your sentences and makes you repeat them after her! Hahahaha… Now you know why I never wanna have parties at home! Lol!

If you’ve stuck with me so far, you may wanna stick around for the upcoming gist!

Just watch out… I’ll be revealing the story of my parents next! And soon!!!

Lotta luv,

Carlotta



et cetera
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