Feddie Girl











“I need a junior girl!”
“Last man in the house!”
“Who wants to fetch my water?”
“Who has extra soap?”
“Who wants to make a deal with their food?”

FG small front cover2

The Feddie Girl novel by Nona David

Lol!!! Nigerian boarding schools–those were the days!!!

Do you totally remember your first day in a Nigerian boarding school? How unfamiliar, strange, and intimidating everything seemed? Do you remember staring at the other new students that arrived at the same time as you? How you checked each other out and wondered, “Hmm, what primary school did he/she come from?” “What score did he/she get in the Common Entrance and Interview examinations?” Lol! Yeah, I know, no one writes Common Entrance examinations anymore to gain admission into Nigerian Secondary Schools. But fifteen years ago, things were totally different, or so I’m told.

What about the prefects and senior students? Do you remember how huge they looked? One could totally call them ‘mothers’. Boy, were they big and scary!
The prefects and their pompous appearance, always strutting about with looks of importance on their faces. Calling out to everyone within reach,
“You, there! Where are you going? Start running to the assembly hall!”
Lol! How easy it was for the prefects to take-down one’s name for punishment. How important they felt meting out grass-cutting portions for manual labor. How totally godlike they seemed rationing out hot tea, bread, and boiled eggs for breakfast. For them, the life in boarding house began and ended within their reach. No one remains in the dormitory during classes or prep unless they say so. No one takes a bath during siesta without due permission. No one takes their plate of food outta the dinning hall without a prefect sanctioning it. And woe betide you to hang around in the dorms after the dorm prefect bellows: “Leave the dormitory!”
When you hear, “It’s lights out!” You know to fly up your bunk immediately and go straight to sleep! No arguments!

As for the senior students, their sense of self-importance, especially where junior students are concerned, can not be paralleled. It was through them the new students learned there was something like, “Kneel down and fly your hands!” Or, “Decrease your height and hide your eyeballs!” What about, “Go and take your position”? Lol! Those senior students were definitely the height of boarding life–every junior student’s nightmare!

If you’ve ever boycotted manual labor by hiding in the bush, or dove into an over-grown shrub to escape the calls of tardy senior students just returning from home, or pretended to be sick so as not to have to go fetch something for a senior girl during prep hours; then you totally get where I’m coming from.

You remember pretending to be deaf when a senior student is yelling for you from ten feet away? You remember zapping from the dinning hall when it’s time to re-arrange the tables and benches for a school function? You remember washing tureens as punishment for failing to take your wet towel with you when leaving the dorm in the morning? You remember being konked on the head for turning in your table tureens late? You remember being locked out of dinning and made to miss a meal for arriving two seconds late to the dinning hall? If you remember all these, then you totally attended a Nigerian boarding school as a JS1 student.

So given all the above, some may wonder why we ever bother to go back for second term and many more terms.

Seriously, “Why do we go back for more?” What is it about boarding school that keeps us enduring and hoping that one day, things would be different and we would be the ones totally sleeping on the bottom bed of a two-bed bunk?

Is it the tuck-shop goodies, the school club activities, the interesting and funny class periods, the pranks played on teachers, the cursing of wicked senior girls, the running-off to fetch water when no one else is by the tank, the zapping from Principal’s assembly, the audacity to disappear and escape mass punishments, the hiding in the bush and boycotting manual labor, or what? What did it for you?

What made you look forward to returning to school each new term?

Yeah, we all had tons of fun and made lots of memories while in boarding school. But, if you could do it all over again, would you???

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

Watch-out for FEDDIE GIRL the international adventure/thriller set in a Nigerian Federal School. Read excerpts at Bernard Books Publishing. Reserve a copy HERE



{May 13, 2009}   Walk in their shoes…?
Feddie Girl

Feddie Girl

Hey,

I’m just wondering:

Last year, my parents freaked out and sent me, their twelve year old daughter, and only child packing to a Federal school in Nigeria to live as a boarder.

Did you just say, “Whoa, that’s harsh. Whatever happened to grounding wayward American teens?”

Well, I don’t know what you’re getting at, but in my way of thinking, I’d say I totally deserve what I got. After all, I wasn’t insane when I beat-up two innocent six-year-old’s and got my hands on a roll of marijuana.

“Still, that ain’t enough reason to ship a child out to a foreign country!” You raise one eye-brow in consternation and shoot darts with your eyes at me. You look ready to spring and knock my poor head off my sorry shoulders.

Alright, alright, back-off! I know better than to ruffle your feathers on the night after your miserable team has lost an easy game of baseball to their equally miserable opponents. Not that I totally agree with your point of view about my being dropped off in boarding school last year, but hey, whatever keeps us cool!

However, I’d still love to hear the humble opinion of a unbiased third party.

So to my blog readers, I ask:

Do you totally think my parents flipped their lids and acted too hastily in their decision to make me attend a Federal School in Nigeria as punishment for what I did last year?
Yes? Hell no?
Had I been your kid, how would you have managed the situation?
In your humble opinion, what on earth, if anything, would a kid have to do that would warrant you to dish-out a punishment as harsh as the one my parents meted out to me?

Who knows? Maybe by answering all or part of the above questions, we may uncover some truths about ourselves and the way we see things within the society we live in.

Totally looking forward to hearing from you…

Lotta Luv,
Carlotta

For excerpts of the upcoming FEDDIE GIRL novel by Nona David, visit http://bernardbooks.com/subpage.html
To reserve your copy of FEDDIE GIRL, please go to http://bernardbooks.com/form.html



Feddie Girl

Feddie Girl

Got bread???

Street hawking in Lagos. What a unique experience! Where else on this earth can one afford prompt service coupled with freedom of choice and the chance to compare, contrast, and haggle prices of goods and services with vendors, and totally feel like a celebrity?

Not in a million cities. Only in Lagos, Nigeria.

Yeah, that’s right. I totally said it. What you gonna do? Drag my white tush to Kiri-Kiri prison?

Anyone who’s ever been to Lagos, even for one day, totally knows the chant of the street-hawkers:

Bread-dy Agege o!

Ewa Agoyin, o wa o!

Buy pure-water!

Ewedu re!

Coke! Fanta!! Sprite!!!

Guguru ati ekpa!

Hot Moin-moin!

Akara, Kpoff-kpoff, Chin-chin!!!

Guinea-fowl eggs!

Dodo! Boole!

It goes on and on and never ends, one street hawker–flat metal tray balanced on his/her head–after another, selling edible goodies from dawn till dusk.

Who can resist their call? No one! That’s why their service is so world-famous.

Indigens say Lagos is for the active and highly energetic individuals. Yeah, right!

Ironically, the lazy and sedentary thrive well in Lagos too. Basically, the street-hawkers live for these people. All one needs to do is drag oneself outta bed and go camp in front of the gate to ones home. All the stuff you need for the day will pass by you in the space of thirty-five minutes. From bath soap to toothbrush and toothpaste. From hot tea and freshly baked bread to heavy meals, snacks, and soft drinks. Hell, you can even make a phone call with a rented cell phone! What more can one ask for?

And to totally cap it all, stuffs are hawked in convenient quantities. You need just two slices of bread for a sandwich? No problem! the street-hawkers will totally sell just two slices. Lol! You only need a squeeze of toothpaste? Not an issue! You only wanna purchase just three tablespoons of hot cocoa and a dash of milk for your morning drink? Sure, they’re totally up for it! You need a handful of detergent for your laundry? Okey-dokie, one handful of ‘super-blue omo’ is measured and priced accordingly. Lol!!!

One favorite theory of mine is that many Europeans are in the wrong country–especially the heavy and lazy ones. Oh yeah? What other city encourages the sedentary lifestyle in humans more than Lagos? Imagine a city where sloth and bumming around is totally acceptable. Vendors bring everything you ever wish for to your doorstep, enabling you to just sit right there on your backside while you lose weight and acquire a long-lasting tan without much trouble. Lol!!!

Oh and it doesn’t end with just hanging outside your gate. While riding in vehicles you can totally buy stuff off the streets too. Who says you gotta stop and exit your vehicle? Nope. No need to bother your precious self. The street-hawkers totally get it. They already anticipate your needs and will rush their wares to your car window. Don’t worry, they are adept at chasing after your car even in the heaviest of traffic. Some of them can totally keep pace with a vehicle moving at 30 kilometers per hour. Amazing, huh?

Lol!!!

While in a car, please, the last thing you wanna do is push your head outta your window and yell, “Bread!” Lol!!! The next thing you’re gonna know, many different kinds of bread are so gonna be shoved in your face. Large loaves, small loaves, dark-chocolate, white, wheat, mixed, milky, sliced, heavy–name it, you got it!

So basically, you now get the idea, right? Hey? You still with me?

I steal a look at your face and realize you’re totally fast asleep.

I’ve been totally rambling to myself for the last hour. Fat luck!

I’ll be back with more!

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

For information about the upcoming novel, FEDDIE GIRL by Nona David, visit Bernard Books Publishing http://bernardbooks.com



FG small front cover2So I beat-up on two kids half my age and landed them in the emergency room with cracked ribs.

“What’s the big deal?” You ask from the side or your mouth, not letting go of the Nintendo cruiser you clutch in your hands.

Well, the big deal is that my parents panicked and catapulted us from the our lovely home in San Francisco to the middle of nowhere in Owasso, Oklahoma. Major downer!

You sip from your soda can. “I still don’t get it,” you mutter, slurping the drink around in your mouth, “so you relocated to the mid-lands, who gives a shit?”

I have just one question. You ever been to Owasso, Oklahoma?

No?

Then shut the hell up and take my word for it. After living most of my life in ‘Frisco, Owasso felt like cowboy land to me. Shoot! They even have cowboys and totally have like, native Indian names for their towns. Osawatomie, Oolagah, Owasso, Okmulgee…

Like, who the hell named these towns? The guys from ‘Dukes of Hazard?’ Crazy!!!

Anyways, we moved to Owasso (pronounced ‘Owass-ah’ by many natives), and I hated my parents for it. They put me in some middle school filled with a bunch of stupid kids that know nothing about being cool. Many of them wouldn’t even know what a cigarette looked like if it came poking them in the eye.

Bummer!!!

I had no friends. My best friend Sasha was back in ‘Frisco dating cute guys and lounging in pools and beaches, sipping slushies and eating ice-cream. Me? I was caged in Owasso, wearing drab clothes to school and eating cafeteria-cooked-crap for lunch. Yuck!!!

Even the extracurricular activities in the school was like, totally booorrriiing! There was no group for aspiring actresses like me. No serious music group with incredible talent like mine. And definitely no musicals or talent shows  whatsoever. Instead, they had baseball. Who the heck wants to play baseball?

You give me a reproachful stare. “Baseball is an American fave,” you say.

Yeah, yeah, Baseball and the Angels and the Braves and yatty-yatty-yada!!! Give me a break!

So, like, the only kid I identified with at that middle school in Owasso was this guy named Samuel Machiovich. Cool kids in the school nick-named him ‘Slinky Sam.’

I was cool, so I called him Slinky Sam too. He was the major and the most widely connected supplier of cigarettes and drugs in the school. I was one of his frequent customers…Lol!!!

“What!!!!” you scream. “Cigarettes? Whatcha go picking up that disgusting habit for?”

First off, smoking is not a disgusting habit, at least, not when you stick to the occasional cigarette. It’s when you become addicted and or graduate to reefers that it becomes disgusting–and at whatever age you start doing it.

In my case, I started smoking cigs when I was like, eight? Nine? I forget. But, while in ‘Frisco, I only smoked like one or two sticks in three months.

Then we moved to Owasso and I met Slinky Sam and the likes of him. Things quickly took a turn for the worse. I started smoking more frequently, you know, just for relaxation and to let-off steam. I was netting in at about two sticks in three days. Then the urge to smoke became more insistent. Before I knew it, I was smoking a whooping pack of cigs in two weeks! Gawd!!!

Then guess what?

“What?” you ask, all eyes and ears now. (Finally, I’ve been able to gain your full attention. Lol!)

Okay, so, Slinky Sam totally introduced me to something stronger than just tobacco.

“I knew it!” you yell. “The Slimy bastard!”

Well, it’s not totally his fault. I could have said no if I wanted to. Problem was–I seriously needed something to get my mind off my parents selfish decisions and judgment. Jeez! What do they know about my life?

So, at first, I tried a few kinds of weed, nothing too serious, just harmless grass and stuff. Then one day, Slinky got me the real deal. Marijuana!!!

“Marijuana??!!!” You yell…

Yup, it cost me ten bucks a roll too. Slinky said it was the best weed in town.

“Whatcha do? You smoke it?” You are now at the edge of your seat, perched and staring at me in awe and unbelief.

To be fair to you, the answer is yes! I did smoke the reefer… We cut classes and went behind the school dumpster during school hours. I took one puff and closed my eyes, hoping to savor the promised freedom the warm smoke would bring.

The next thing I knew, a heavy hand clamped down on my shoulder.

I was busted!!!

By the time I snapped my eyes open, Slinky Sam was nowhere to be found.

You laugh so hard you fall to the floor and roll around. “I told you so!”

Yeah, and honestly, I don’t blame ya! That weed-smoking escapade was the last straw for my parents. I got expelled from middle school and three weeks later, I found myself on a plane nosing its way to Nigeria, West-AFRICA!!!

You betcha! I’ll be back with more, so hang around!

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta


To read excerpts and reserve copies of FEDDIE GIRL, the novel, visit Bernard Books Publishing.



bb-fg2 So, I am the only child in my family–can’t say whether this is good or bad, but that’s just the way it is.

My dad’s name is Richard, and like I said before, he is a physician. He’s really tall (like, above six feet), dark and handsome. When people meet him these days, they keep saying he looks like Barack Obama!!! Lol!!! I guess they’re kinda right, after all, my dad, like our dear Mr. President, is a half-breed too. His dad (my grandfather) is from somewhere in Anambra State, Nigeria (I think it’s Neewi, Newwi, or somethin’ like that. Can’t remember the spelling!! Lol!!). My dad’s mom is from Gainesville, Georgia. Great match for the two of them, I must say, even though I never met them!!! How often do you get to have a Nigerian for a granddad and a totally white mom for a grandma? Totally cool, right?

My mom is an English Professor (Ph.D.) and her parents are both from Georgia. Now, them, I got to meet, but can’t remember. I was like two or three when they both passed on. What a bummer!!! My mom is quite tall for a woman and very prim and proper. Her name is Shelley, but she should have been called Margaret or somethin’ like that, cos she always gets on my case. Arrggh!!!

Okay, for the gist you’ve all been waiting for…

Sometimes, I wonder how or why my parents stuck together with each other for so long. Maybe it’s because of me…but I still wonder.

You see, my mom is a recovering alcoholic. Yeah, that means no booze in the house. Did you just say, “Hey, that sucks??!!” Well can’t blame ya! That’s the way things are at home. No booze, no beer, no nothin’ (Another reason I can’t host parties at home. Lol!!!). So, she had managed to stay clean for a long time never saw her take a drink until I was like, twelve? Thirteen? Oh yes! That would be a few months before my thirteenth birthday.

She tries to hide it, most of the time, but sometimes I can smell the alcohol on her breath. Mostly, my dad would pretend like he doesn’t notice, until she starts slurring her words or hurling stuff across the room (it’s sooo annoying when she does that. No, scary is more like it!!). This doesn’t happen often, though, only when she’s like anxious or totally bummed out about my dad’s promiscuity.

Hah! “Promiscuity?” you scream. Well, that’s what I said, isn’t it?

My dad just diggs young ladies with pretty faces. It’s not like it’s a secret or any thing, he just has this cool way of studying sashaying blondes/brunnettes from under his lashes when he thinks my mom is not looking. But he’s only fooling himself cos I think my mom knows what he’s up to most of the time. She just keeps a stiff face and totally ignores him. Or pretend not to notice.

Gee!! Aren’t they like, good for each other? Yep!! Totally!! A married couple that live together and have totally disgusting vices — one is an alcoholic while the other is a philanderer (right word? Just thought I’d put my mom’s constant hype about learning new words to good use.) But you totally get the idea, right?

Well, don’t get me wrong. My parents may be bummers sometimes, but I totally love ‘em!!! At least, I do right now. Lol!!!

So now you’ve met Dr and Dr Ikedi, my next story will be about why they decided it was worth it to ship their only daughter off to an all-girls boarding school in Africa!!!

Watch out, I’ll be back with more!!!

Lotta luv,

Carlotta



et cetera
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